Dear Koffi,
I hope you been well and traversing the world in your
retirement trying to save the world from self-destructing.This is operative
Nyangau whom you met briefly at the Serena,Nairobi last time you were around
trying to broker a peace among our warring factions of the same party.I know
you may think It’s a bother to hear from a Kenyan even after we failed to hoist
a statue in your honour after you got us from the precipice and back to a
semblance of national unity. You did good my fren and despite a few schools
being grabbed here and there and a billion lost here and there it’s been ok. We
have even managed to overhaul the old constitution and replaced it with a new
one, launched with pomp and colour which you know we are used to. We even
managed to hold an election under the new constitution and got in place a new
vibrant digital team to run the affairs of the state. (Just an side, they seem
to be doing very well if the IPSOS desktop surveys are to be trusted).
I am writing you this letter not to update you
on the situation but to ask for your intervention yet again. You see, after the
digital team came to power they came on a premise to right the wrongs and to
give everyone their rightful dues. They launched roads, laptops for schools and
even modern state of the art leased equipment for hospitals. The problem is,
the doctors to man and ensure the hospital equipments get used have refused to
work.
It is now the festive season and
we are conducting auditions for the the band to play at the New Years Ball and the order of
drinks seem not to have arrived on time and so we are unable to concentrate on
this crucial activity while also dealing with the doctors. Since it’s the season
to be jolly, I knew I could get you in a good mood to ask a small favour of
negotiating a new deal with the doctors to resume duties and not ask for much
from our government. The government has a lot of commitments to creditors who
financed a modern train system, and other infrastructure projects. They have used
most of the resources to do good for the country to pay suppliers like M/S
Things of Desire and others for essential commodities supplied to our very
vibrant national youth service involved in digging up trenches even where none
existed. The doctors are unreasonably asking for the government to implement a signed
and stamped bargain agreement which we thought they would forget about after
the last time they absconded from duties. They want 300% pay hike but with your
intervention we know we can get them to reduce their demands to maybe an extra
lunch allowance here and there. Beside, other than saving lives in our
hospitals what else do they do? They are just busy separating and rending asunder
what God has joined together and even recently managed to separate a conjoined
twin despite our best efforts to stop them from doing so. Now we have to issue
to birth certificates and even identity cards depleting our expenditure of
state. Furthermore, they were unable remove bandage from the face of one of our
governors and we had to urgently evacuate him to South Africa to perform the intricate
intervention.
Please pass by en route to Accra,
and have tea with us and photo-op with the protocol team before meeting briefly
with them and reassuring them to accept goodwill of your visit and am sure they
will return to work after being hypnotized by your perfectly graying hair and
monotonous voice that made us hide the hatchets in favour of peace last time
you were around. Please assure them the government shall honour the commitment
made in 2013 after they ensure we re-elect our dear leader for another term in
2017.Besides which government honours its commitment to a trade union of only 5,000
people most of them young, humble, polite, bright voters who do not wear
bling-bling and do not have a booming voice to address workers without a
microphone. They are led by this fellow called Oluga who is soft-spoken and
even has the audacity and bravado to mesmerize everyone with his eloquence and
clarity of thought and calmness of pose in the midst of all the obstacles
placed in his path.
Just a heads up, I hear the
government had earlier pleaded with them to stop their quest for emancipation
and better terms of service and better health system and even assured them we
would bring them colleagues from Cuba and India to assist them but they did not
listen. Their other colleagues, nurses and clinical officers have accepted to
go back to work and I hope that they too forget about the agreement promised to
them. If you can just get the doctors to go back to work for lower than 300%
hike I assure you my fren we shall be deeply in your debt and will even donate
1Billion cedes in your name to enhance national unity through more activities
of digging trenches and clearing garbage where no one sees them.
We are looking forward to your
acceptance of this new assignment as you have shown the desire to bring
temporary peace that holds for some time all over the world.
Sincerely yours
Bwana Nyangau
PS:
This is a satire
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